So, I have been off-line for a while now.  I have been in this intensive spiritual / therapy environment, trying to get to the source of my addict-self.  Until 6/30/07, I was involved on a live-out basis, but I decided to intensify my transformation path by living inside the Shakti Rising house (aka Sunshine house).  Please see shaktirising.org for a more elementary introduction.  

I am living on the third-floor with three other girls / women, Allie, Behin and Anje.  Allie and I (Alley) share a bed as do Anje and Behin.  We opted to do this because none of us wanted to sleep on top bunks and it is said that physical closeness during subconscious times can have deep theraputic results.

Anje and I hugely 'trigger' each other but we're both committed to looking at the deeper issues within ourselves.  Triggering is one of the terms we use as ways of being in this environment.  There is also reaction, projection and .  I think triggers  and reaction are those which are most commonly used.  

The triggers around Anje and I are about material possessions and their relationship to the self.  I am constantly triggered living with Behin and Anje because of my relationship to order and space.  I initial was incensed with anger because of the lack of order in our mutual living space but quickly came into ownership of the fact that my need for order stems from a childhood physical and verbal abuse that resulted  from one item being out of place.  It is funny (not really funny, but funny in an ironic sense) that the psyche defends the self by adopting the traits of the abuser but cannot recognized it when the defenses become self-abusive and self-destructive.  

I have also been asked to recognize my difficulty with being still and letting my time be open and  unspent.  It is very difficult for me to just be, and not only in a meditative state, but in a hanging-out, relaxing state as well.  For my first 30 days here, I am asked to spend all my extra, non-working, non-volunteering time here, to assimilate to my therapy family.  

The women in the house are  (apprentices) Alley (me), Allie, Anje, Behin, Dixie, Kirsten, Shawna.  There are two graduates who continue to live in the house holding space for our healing, Becca and Roxanne.  There are two house-staff - Liza and Sarah.  The graduates and house staff underwent the same treatment I will undergo over the next two-ish years while living here.  The curriculum includes holistic education, holistic healing treatments, group and individual counseling, and community service.  

Shakti Rising is different from a traditional model of recovery because addiction is defined as any behavior that keeps one from reaching her higher self.  This can be heroin use, masochism, other drug use, eating disorders and body image issues, sexual self-destruction, people-pleasing, and the list goes on.  The apprentices, myself included, have issues that are deemed serious by mainstream society - drug addiction, self-cutting, self-strangulation, and victims of sexual abuse and rape. 

In addition to addressing the very obvious surface-level 'issues', we look at more core issues.  For example, I have discovered at great depth the break between my social sef and personal self and the need my social self has to appear nice and kind.  My personal self is a very angry, sad person.  When constantly surrounded by people, the seelves are inavoidable exposed for the self they are.  I have been given an anger practice to manage my personal self, to avoid harming people in the process of managing the anger.  The anger practice is one of the following activities and is engaged once daily - punching the boxing bag, squatting against another girl squatting or a wall while breating out deeply (anger is stored in thighs and hips -body therapy), screaming into a pillow as loud as possible.  I really enjoy expressing anger when there are not social consequences.  I especially enjoy beating the shit out of the boxing bag.  

I was so full of love for the program (in theory) prior to moving in, but the assimilation process is very difficult.  I pray for commitment to submit to the intuiton that led to enter such a demanding, bold process. 

"The air is thin up in those Rocky Mountains, thinner than a child in a Sally Struther's infomercial, thinner than my chances of winning the Lottery, thinner than Christian Bale in the Machinist.  I had the correct amount of energy to throw about three snowballs at 10,000 feet.  Any effort past that left me wheezing like broken 1978 Vacuum Cleaner with the light-headed sway of a failing Date tree in a hurricane."

Yeah, another story about a boy.  I had another one of these whirlwindy romances.  Tornado style.  He came and he went.  He went faster than he came. 

The specifics are not important.  What's important is that I have this volcanic eruption of love brewing in my soul.  It's fiery and rapid and intoxicating.  It's too much.  

It's relevant because last week I was constantly being confronted by my level of presence to the present.   I check out a lot.  Not as in drunk or stoned, but just random, involuntary checking out.  My mind drives me.  Every day, in every moment, I have this rapid fire mind that is in constant analysis of you, of me, of the world and all its evils and all of its greatness.  I think I get completely addicted to romantic affection because it is the one thing that slows me down and gives me a break from me.  Obviously, though, it's completely unfair to use a person, the way that I used my substances of choice. But I love the zen-ness of in awe.  

My secret desire is to one day find a place where the mind will settle.  But I hope when that day comes, that I will continue to erupt with love and compassion, not just for a glorious boy of my higher power's making, but for the whole universe.  For you.  For me. For togetherness. For the unloveable.  And yes, even George W. Bush.

...I want to know the depths of your in side and I want to show you my self deep in side.
Play life raw.

"A person will worship something - have no doubt about that. 
We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts - but it will out. 
That which dominates our imagination and our thoughts will determine our lives, and character. 
Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping, we are becoming."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Look at my boy! 

"And I'm sorry, SHHH, but it's your duty to indulge the little fuckhole. When two people marry, they're not only making a solemn vow to be there in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but also to be complete and total whores for each other. It would save countless marriages—and cut my mail in half—if this was made explicit in standard marriage vows. Perhaps the American Family Association could get on this."

-Dan Savage

I need to go on blog hiatus.  I am doing some intensive healing work (insert therapy) and need to focus on journalling.  I'll be back soon!

This weekend was the big weekend! I drove to Templeton to pick out my baby...



I decided to name him for Karl Marx, my favorite theorist from Sociology.  I love Karl Marx because he believed with a child-like faith that people would unite and rise up for the greatest good (for the greatest number).  Every day, I want to remember this concept is the point of living (for me).  Each day, I want to let my heart be touch by those with less, those who need loving compassion and those who just don't know any better.